this holy longing

[bleodswean]

 the unwavering stare:  self-portrait, skull, Hasselblad remote, my father's watch, tree of knowledge

Welcome to my Sticky Post. A first for me in over twenty-three years of (live)journaling, but it seems like today’s journalers are more discerning. I don’t do Tumblr, or X, or IG, or Facebook / Meta, or TikTok. And sadly, I don’t really do LJ any longer as I can’t get the cross posting to work. In 2022, I made a dedicated effort to commit to DW and here we are. It ain’t the glory daze of olde, but I’m coming to terms with that. Every few months I will fall into a despair-like need to lament those long-gone LJ times and then it’s out of my system and we’re onward and upward. Although this is happening less and less as I move further and further downstream in the River of Life.

I have no friending policy. I read the flist every morning and comment as much as I can before work starts. I’m interested in almost all things and all folx. If I’m not interested, I won’t make a scene, because I’m not interested in drama. Been there, done that.

I’m a professional photographer by trade. Semi-retired now. Although it seems I'm shooting more weddings and babies lately than I have in a long time. I'm currently compiling a work of Serious Children portraits.

We run a family business. We live in a gorgeous hand-built home, on many forested acres, in a small mountain village in Northern California. Military brat and I’ve traveled the world and moved every three years of my minor days. English and Philosophy major, dropped out to manage a Tower Records import section. Spent the 80’s mohawked and living a very downtown alternative life. Spent the 90’s and 00’s raising children off the grid and living a very nature-based alternative life. LOL.

I do write and have published short fic and flash fic and poetry (and will make it a point to create a link post for my original work soon!). I also write fanfic and have some fic over at A03. I dabble in fandoms, wait to become obsessed before I write and read for a fandom and that seems to happen a couple few times every year. That being said, I do have a personal fandom I write in continuously - a modern dress Persephone / Hades. It's a myth that I've been working with for decades. 

Music IS the soundtrack to my life and an important part of my days. I’ve been listening to Nick Cave since 1982 when I bought my first Birthday Party album. I still listen to him today. He is my musical muse. I also listen to a lot of darkgrass and folk, Van Morrison, Bob Dylan, Swans, Beefheart, and Cameron Winter.

I’ve been reading voraciously since I was 10 years old when I contracted rheumatic fever and a librarian sent home The Narnia Chronicles to keep me company in my sickbed. Now I read: Cormac McCarthy *genuflect*, AS Byatt, DH Lawrence, TS Eliot, Joyce Carol Oates, William Faulkner, Jack Kerouac, Mary Oliver, David Whyte, Brian Evenson, and all things folk & fairy tale.

I’m older than most of you, younger than some. I’m finding myself here less and less and that’s disappointing, but a natural attrition, I suppose.

Merry Met!

ETA:  In July of 2024, the Park Fire destroyed 2/3rds of the mountain village of Cohasset, California; I have spent the past year helping my friends and neighbors - survivors - tell their stories.

Comments

[wpadmirer]

Sounds like you've had a very interesting life, and that you live in a good place and have a good head space.

I'm sporadic with journaling these days because I have a contract for three mystery novels, and the first came out this year, so I've been making speaking appearances and going to conferences to promote the book. So between that and my half-time job, and my HR work at the rock gym I belong to - my LJ and DW journal (which are identical) have been woefully sparse.

I have read all the writers you like, but I'll admit that I'm not a huge fan of any of them. They're all wonderful writers, but I crave some lightness to my reading - so I go with the slightly less dark Walker Percy, Robert Stone, and Harry Crews.

My books echo some of Harry and Walker Percy because they're very Southern (as am I).

It's interesting what each of us finds firing our synapses.

I live with a professional photographer who does digital freelance work, but has always made his own art work the focus of what he does professionally. His work tends to be dark, as he's a questioning soul with a deep desire to start conversations.

His photographic influences are all very dark types. And yet, one of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he's incredibly funny.

[bleodswean]

Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such fantastic convo!

I totally understand how busy you are and how blessed that must feel! I'm here cheering you and your writing on!

I do understand that my preference in all things art is dark. But Crews?!? He's pretty dark! We used to pass copies of The Gospel Singer around at shows just to keep him relevant and then Exene went and named her grrl band after him!

I read so much SouthernGoth and should share some of my "shelvies"! Faulkner is a biggie for me and I should have mentioned him! *runs back to edit* Have you read Nick Cave's And the Ass Saw the Angel?

What great comments about your partner! My art photography is my hobby work, my pro work is people!

[mallorys_camera]

Wait! You think Robert Stone isn't dark? 😀

[dadi]

<3

[bleodswean]

backatcha!

[liriaen]

Ah, wonderful sticky!! If we weren’t friends yet, I’d glomp you now!
Ah, I’ll glomp you no matter what for good measure.

[bleodswean]

*glomps * My Sticky Post is working!!! ;)

[used_songs]

I always forget how much I like Swans. Thanks for reminding me!

[bleodswean]

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!! And Angels of Light! And Skin! And any Gira product, really.

[dr_zook]

Yay, a sticky!! (Have you already declared it as a sticky, so it stays on top of your page? I'm just asking because I don't see the little golden star indicating it.)

♥

[bleodswean]

Hmmmmm....I followed the link you posted and did what it said! It does say Sticky which I didn't write! Thanks for the help, bb!

[mallorys_camera]

You are already Myyyyy Friendddd, and every time I see a post from you, I get wayyyy excited! 😀

[bleodswean]

*licks*

[kizzy]

♥

[earthspirits]

We're already friends, E., but what a brilliant "sticky" post. So much goodness there to unpack.

I always enjoy reading your posts!

Southern and New England gothic always works for me (as well as British gothic and horror). I adore Victorian and Edwardian era ghost stories too (such as MR James and EF Benson). Definitely all in my wheelhouse. : )

[bleodswean]

Yes, G!!! Long long time friends. Maybe my oldest friend now in the flist???

Glad you liked the sticky!

Those gothic ghostly wells are deep and there's so much to bucket up! I do like James! And have begun reading some of the more modern takes on old-time ghost stories, too! Do you know Swan River Press?

[smokingboot]

Merry met, and merry meet again :-)

[bleodswean]

*takes your hand and pulls you closer to the ringed fire burning deep in the woods*

[bsgsix]

E, I'm glad we're friends. I know I'm barely here, but I read at least once a week, and when I saw this and read more about you and your amazing person and spirit - I could just sense YOU in these words. <3

I have NO clue how to make a sticky post, but I should do so as well. I have a post that I wrote and dated for 2025 or something, which just says my journal is locked and I don't add people randomly, so if that's a sticky (?) - I guess I should update that. But I don't know. The switch from LJ (which I just don't trust since 2016) to DW confused me, and just when I thought I was catching on/up - nope!

Be well, friend. I'm going to attempt to catch up more soon. :)

[bleodswean]

Heya, Miz L!! How are you? I do hope you return to DW! I got clear instructions from friends on how to do this and the hardest part was writing it, so should be easy for you!

Hope you and yours are well!

[ivyskeep]

Greetings. I'm not nearly as well read as you, but I went to listen to some Nick Cave because of you. Thank you.

[bleodswean]

There's a Cave offering for every mood, place, situation! Glad you're here!

[makamu]

Hi! Like everybody else on here, I think your intro post is really good :) And I think that, though I'm a decade and a half younger than you, our taste in literature and music sounds similar :)

[bleodswean]

Excellent!!! I'm so glad you're here. I haven't been posting much. It's been a weird August. But I hope to get to that this week!

[murielle]

You! I found you!

I don't get notifications of others journals anymore, so I came looking and found you!

Yes, yes and yes. And I'm older. <3

*Hugs*

[bleodswean]

Howdy, M! Yep, still here. And I posted yesterday so you would have to scroll down? I think, to see it. Not sure why you and I don't seem to get our notifications. Ugh.

[murielle]

Ha! I'm WAY older than you! ;-)

You showed up in my inbox, first time in forever and I love it. Now, I'm going to have to go and look up "sticky post."

Happy day, dear heart! <3

[bleodswean]

M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here you are!!! When will you come back to DW????

[desdemonaspace]

That is a great photo!

[murielle]

Love this! So much!

[ranunculus]

Merry Meet indeed.
Saw your comment in Common Nature and looked you up. Read your account of the fire and know a little of what it was like.
Back in 2018, July 30; M, Donald and I were on our way to Alaska (!!)*, in this case driving to Anchorage. We were headed for the ferry to Victoria Island when I realized that in an exhausted haze, I had not packed my passport. Fed Ex same day is really expensive. While we waited for passport delivery we went for a walk in the amazingly beautiful Olympic Peninsula. Somewhere around noon I got a call that the River Fire had started very, very close to my girlfriend's house outside of Ukiah, Ca. She lived about 3 miles south of me. The River Fire burned going east for a couple of days while I tried to orchestrate evacuations from Canada. Four days later I was standing at the lookout point at Lake Louise BC when I got a call from my cow guy. He had all the cows corralled and ready to evacuate. The fire had re-ignited from near it's origin and was closer than before. He was checking the ridge line hourly for flames.
We were lucky. The fire got within about 1/2 mile of my ranch. A couple of neighbors, who had originally contracted with Cal Fire to provide bulldozers, quit when the supervisors dismissed their recommendation of where to put a fire line. They then went and installed a couple of miles of fire line (on BLM land) that stopped the fire from burning back into the Ukiah Valley.
It is also where your experience diverges from mine. We didn't lose community from that fire. Lakeport did, but we didn't. We lost community in the Redwood Valley fire a couple of years before the River Fire.

Anyway, I thought I'd say hi.

[bleodswean]

Hi!!! I just friended your journal because I'm in serious need of fascinating folk who write long!

This story!!! So impressed that neighbors cut their own line. There is a handful of people up here who saved their homes because they stayed and the politics of that are concerning, to say the least. It's insanely hard to be so far away during this kind of a disaster. Did you enjoy yourself at all?

Northern California just wants / needs to burn.

I really appreciate you stopping by!

[author_by_night]

Every few months I will fall into a despair-like need to lament those long-gone LJ times and then it’s out of my system and we’re onward and upward. Although this is happening less and less as I move further and further downstream in the River of Life.

Are you me? :)

I do have a personal fandom I write in continuously - a modern dress Persephone / Hades. It's a myth that I've been working with for decades.


I hope you'll be able and willing to share it with us someday, although of course, I understand if you decide to keep it to yourself.

[bleodswean]

Right?! What I don't get is that so many of us are having this experience and yet a renewal is just beyond realistic. Everyone has made for their own hills and simply aren't coming back. I would like to see DW become more community and more active this year. Going to do my small part!

I hope to collate my thousands and thousands of P/H words and start sharing them! Thanks for the interest and encouragement!